Another week has passed. Days seem to pass by quicker and quicker each day, but there are sometimes during the day that time just never seems to move slower than the usual. The workweek was very hectic - conference calls, briefings and the whole nine yards. At times, I feel somehow stuck, sometimes I feel empowered, at times I feel weak... It is a mix of emotions - either expected or unexpected things.

I was given this meditation music thing by Mother Tiff. I cannot believe she talked me into listening into it! But to be honest, I think it is just what I needed to tone down my busy mind. I seem to never stop to think about anything! I needed some peace and quiet - I mean, I had to LEARN how to be PEACE AND QUIET. I hated being alone and bored because I end up getting messy thoughts - sometimes I remember bad memories, sometimes I think of stuff I wanted to do and achieve, sometimes I imagine good stuff, but sometimes it was just plain crap. I guess I have to work on that a lot. I listened to this 10-minute meditation thing for 2 days, and after finishing it, I dozed into a very peaceful sleep. I wake up with a good feeling.

Friday night, my family went out and went to Market! Market! and Serendra. We ate at Giligan's at the Market! Market! strip for my sister's birthday. I enjoyed it a lot. I realized how much I missed having a sister or both of them around everyday. After a while, we all walked around Serendra and it was nice to be at some place different and my dad was like, "Ngayon nalang pala tayo ulit sama sama nakapasyal no?" and it was so true. We hanged at TimeZone for some games and afterwards they dropped me at work.

After work, Mother Tiff and I treated ourselves to a huge serving of Shake's Chef Salad, some chicken and mojos. We walked around a bit and went home.

I woke up today and glad to have caught Pokemania 3 on TV. I wanted to cook "Crabstick Surprise" but I have to go to the grocery. My brother wanted to go see the Car Show at MoA.

Realizing "He's Just Not That Into Me".

I remember M sis telling me to look for this book back in 2005. I tried my luck at all these E-Book sites and never had the luck to find it. She was like, "Sis, you better read that book. Your story always seem to end up 'hanging'. You better read that and it will shed some light on you."

Two years passed.

I met up with my bestfriends last Sunday to celebrate Rach's birthday. I missed their company. It was just something I needed so badly. I had to keep myself as busy as possible and keep a positive attitude that I should save myself. I should learn to take myself into consideration. I was too consumed with all the events that happend to me in the past months. I realized that I put too much energy into a crapy pseudo-relationship, though he was courting me. Now I end up figuring out every single thing that might have gone wrong - it was so foolish of me. I depended myself on that "found happiness" and when I felt I lost it, I felt lost and almost lost it. I lost my cool, I was moping like crazy, bugged the hell out of my friends and it was not so "classy" of me.

My bestfriends were late at our meeting place. Something drew me into PowerBooks that I ended up buying 3 books at one stop. I found one book I was not looking for at that moment. Maybe it was meant for me at that time. I found the book that made me realize how much crap I have held on to - and this wasn't even the book M sis recommended me to read 2 years ago. It started with "The Secret".

I am a fast reader. I read real fast. I have good comprehension (not bragging), maybe from my ICA days when they required you to finish these reading comprehension exercises (as much as you can) in a 40-minute class. Back to my topic, I read something from the book "The Secret" that made me realize where I went wrong with all the misery I was feeling. I gave Ah Jiang the opportunity to make me happy and he failed and I felt miserable. I depended my happiness to having him. It felt great to have someone courting you and all the sweet nothings... But when the bad stuff and impression comes, you feel really crappy and you end up doing the whole "I'm so miserable" drama when they don't even give a damn! I felt tears in my eyes. It wasn't even a lovestory!

I have received a lot of compliments that I have lost weight for the past 2 weeks. They  were asking me what my secret was - was it work, was it stress, a diet or am I in love? I don't know if I'd feel happy or insulted. Or it is followed by "You lost a lot of weight, pero mukhang bagsak ung katawan mo..." - nothing's worse than that! Of course you want to lose weight (though I was not doing that) but look nice, pretty and stress-free! Now it affected my well-being.

Monday, I did my errands when I finally found the book M sis was asking me to read. I read it yesterday and I felt like an idiot. I was the idiot. He wasn't even into me - all the unanswered phone calls, the broken promises, the dates that never pushed through... The lies... The teasing (that sometimes made me feel humiliated)... The issues he was having that he never shared to me with the fact that he never seemed to work on it so we can get through the next chapter of our to-be relationship... It was all bull. My conclusion: He was just not that into me and he is an *sshole. It sucks. He is proving more and more of his crap everyday. Congratulations! Kumusta naman diba?

Part of me don't even give a damn about it anymore. Past is past. All those crap will never happen again. Its over. I still sound "bitter" in some ways, but I can see myself as a better person, who is stronger and will never settle for anything less.

Who knows I'd meet him one day? And all these woes I have been experiencing in my so-called love life sh*t will never repeat itself again. I will be the happiest girl alive.

So Much For My Happy Ending...

Have you ever felt that the only way to save yourself is to somehow make yourself miserable? I hate to put it that way, but that is how I feel today. It has been so long since I last wrote and I just had no time to put my thoughts into typing. Everyday, I face the computer at work doing my "worklist" and going out of my mind. I found temporary "high" when I found my "Ah Jiang" last April, who has been there all along. Then today, I sit here typing away, I wish I never fell in love with him.

It has been a whirlwind to for me to put up with everything going on. I believed that somehow, someday, things will be back to normal and we will be happy again. No matter how much I try to keep up, I can't. I cannot force someone to love me as much I have when he is hiding things from me. So much for my "happy ending". I cannot believe that I trusted someone that much, then in the end I'd find out about all the lies. He is still seeing that b*tch I suppose and he is all about campaigning for her sister. I wanted the truth, and apparently, I accidentally found out the truth. Sometimes, Friendster can lead you to reality. Its not about being all jelous because he is helping them out. They have been together for 3 years and I can never live up to that. We aren't even a couple yet! WTF! But hey, friends are friends, I may have my reactions, but it is fine with me as long as there is nothing "fishy" going on. But then again, he lied to me and our friends (who have no idea he did that to them). He told us it was his cousin - yeah right! What a way to lie...

There is this promise he told me, that no matter what happens, I will be the ONLY ONE. But then I realize everything he thought was the other way around. Like the song says "If you were right and I was wrong, then why are you the one who's gone and I'm still here..."

I decided last week that I need to save myself from all these pain and mixed emotions. When I fall, I fall hard, it's as if there ain't no stop. I had to somehow prove something to myself and get on with my life and learn how to live and cope and learn to love again someday and being around him will make things complicated, and no matter how much I try and disregard, the moment of truth gets me and I fail.

I feel somehow guilty and I feel miserable. I feel so far and I'm not in the right place. I have survived 3 days and work was good, but alone, I am miserable. Its sickening, but this is my only way out... I spent my weekend in my room and until now, I am not eating my usuals. I skipped snacking, I keep drinking juice (coz I felt sick the other day, felt like I was gonna get sorethroat) and ate only at my lunch time. It was only today that I ate a small bar of chocolate, but it ain't giving me happy vibes.

Mother Tiff is talking me into this whole camp thing by the end of November. I have this thing againts these kind of stuff coz of a real bad experience in an old school org. Hopefully, its not all this "culty" thing. I think I need that. I need to get a grip.

Yeah, so much for my happy ending...

Got home. Survived the day, that is what's important. Aim, concerate and shoot your prey... Tonight, there will be a lot of stuff that needs to be done again at work, and there goes the worksheets... Sheesh! They make stuff complicated, wish me luck...

I just finished DL-ing the OST for Ying Ye San Jia Yi, and listening to the tracks right now. Nice vocal tracks!!! Thumbs up!